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My mother’s funeral took place in July on a beautiful
sunny day. It was a little hot for that un-air-conditioned church and
fellowship hall, but it was a good day of healing and letting go for
myself and my family. At the time I wasn’t thinking like a pastor about
the rituals and traditions of the day, but since coming back there have
been three funerals for me here at church too. My role as pastor for
these funerals is very different. It’s gotten me thinking about the
various traditions connected to these rites of passage.
There is something to be said for experiencing a funeral in a small
country church as opposed to those we hold here in our metropolitan
world. The biggest difference is in the final goodbye – the procession
to the cemetery. It has been a long time since I have been at a funeral
where we walked in that procession to the cemetery right behind the
church. That is where the funeral procession takes on significant
meaning, and the committal really feels like the continuation of the
funeral service that it is. There is a natural flow to following the
casket on foot, accompanying your loved one to her final resting place.
There is no disruption in the service as we naturally walk out the doors
and keep going to the graveside. No getting into cars, figuring out
who’s riding with whom, trying to remember the rules of the road for
getting safely to the cemetery, waiting for everyone to be ready so we
can stick together, and then filing back out of the cars at the cemetery
to find the gravesite.
Here in Milwaukee, funeral directors and pastors alike dread that
procession. Few drivers now actually know what to do when they encounter
a funeral procession on the road, and instead try to “beat” them to get
ahead of it so they aren’t stuck behind it and delayed in their journey.
Stoplights present a whole different problem as those same nonfuneral
drivers often don’t realize that a procession has the right-of-way, and
then want to pull out when the light is green even if the procession is
only halfway through. For many of the cemeteries here in our area, the
procession has to take a left turn across two or three lanes of traffic
to get into the cemetery entrance, so the lead car (in which the pastor
is riding) stops mid-lane to wait until all the oncoming traffic has
stopped. Get this picture in your mind….left turn, car stopped mid-lane,
pastor in passenger seat facing the oncoming traffic. I always hold my
breath because if anyone fails to stop, who will they hit first? ME!
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Every funeral director I have ridden with has complained
about these processions and talked about how many accidents happen on
the way to the cemetery because of this tradition that is no longer
practical in our world. I just dread them and often try to encourage a
private committal the day after the funeral itself or later in the day
following the lunch. Since the natural flow is disrupted anyway, it no
longer feels like a continuance of the service whether it’s immediately
after or the next day, so why endanger everyone who has come to mourn?
Which brings me to another tradition – the lunch. For many, that’s the
best part of the funeral. Not because of the food (although there were
some awesome desserts at Mom’s lunch,) but because of the community and
the fellowship. Here in Milwaukee, the lunch is still usually part of
the day, but the venue has changed. At least half of the funerals now
have the lunch somewhere other than the church. Many restaurants located
in the vicinity of cemeteries offer excellent services for this with
private rooms and lunches served on a flexible plan. This is very much a
matter of practicality and convenience. It’s closer to the cemetery
instead of everyone traipsing all the way back to church, plus there is
no need to beg for workers to set up and serve and bring foods for the
lunch itself. I definitely encourage families to consider that now too.
The opportunity is still there for sharing in relationships and healing,
but there is so much less stress involved. But either way, I have come
to realize how important that “breaking of bread” together really is.
Our family lingered at the lunch for a good three hours after the
funeral service because there were so many people we had not seen for
years, and so many memories to be shared together. That is where the
healing begins after the final goodbye.
Yes, there is value to the traditions, but sometimes there needs to be
adaptability to them too. Some things will never change, but some will
take on slightly different looks as our lives do too. But ultimately,
the opportunity to come together, finding words of hope and assurance of
resurrection, and sharing in our joy and sorrow can lead to our own
resurrection in this life beyond the grief that we feel.
~ Pastor Kris |
